Sunday, August 11, 2019

My Late Start at Live Music

I started listening to metal in 2011 and hardcore in 2012. Despite this, I only started going out to metal and hardcore shows this year, at age 21. My first concert was the New Haven date of Hatebreed's 25th anniversary tour in April, of which I posted a small review on this blog and Metal Amino. Most people attend their first as a teenager, but I had some barriers I had to overcome. As I have mentioned in a prior post, I'm autistic. For me and most others, symptoms include social awkwardness, social anxiety and heightened sensitivity to stimuli. This made me very apprehensive toward going to live shows, since I would be around a ton of people I didn't know and exposed to very loud music. God knows what would have happened if I couldn't handle it. Previously, I had attempted to make plans to see Slayer, one of my favorite bands, twice, once in 2014 and once on their farewell tour in 2018. Both attempts fell through and after the 2018 instance, I promised myself to not let this happen to me again when I could easily see a band I loved. That's why when I saw the lineup of Hatebreed, Obituary, Terror, Cro-Mags, and Fit For An Autopsy coming to New Haven in April 2019, I told myself I was going and asked my sister to get me high fidelity earplugs for Christmas. 

I went with one of my best friends on the day of the show to College Street Music Hall knowing that I was taking a huge risk, but after so many years of wondering, I didn't care. I needed to know if this was something I could do. At that show, my friend and I sat down at our seats and eventually Fit For An Autopsy took the stage and started playing the intro to "Hydra". My heart was racing. Eight years of waiting was about to come to an end and I would finally hear live heavy music for the first time. The moment when the band played the opening breakdown of "Hydra" was a moment that changed my life. With my earplugs firmly in my ear canals, I realized I was able to do it. I was listening to some of the heaviest breakdowns in deathcore played right in front of me and I wasn't overwhelmed. When the other bands came on, I was still fine. Even when Obituary were onstage playing extremely fucking loudly and giving my non-earplug wearing friend tinnitus, I still had absolutely no issues. I felt so many emotions throughout that night: delighted that I finally knew I could see bands live, anger at myself for not having the courage to attempt to go as a teen, relief that I didn't wait any longer to start going out. The show was around five hours long and every band was awesome. I left the venue that night with a whole lot of newfound confidence and no hearing loss.

I'm so thankful I finally went out and did it, but I can't help but also be filled with regret as there are so many bands I love that I will never see because of how timid I was. I'll never see Black Sabbath. I'll never see Motorhead. I'll never see Expire. I'll never see Backtrack. I'll never see The Dillinger Escape Plan. Bar some miracle I'll probably never see Slayer. I'll never be able to get over missing out on some of these bands. On the bright side, that realization has pushed me to be more active and consistent in going to shows. Once my semester ended, I started going to a lot of local hardcore shows and so far, I have seen a number of bands that I have been a fan of for a long time (thanks to the promoter Seventh Circle booking awesome out of state bands) and made a few friends in the scene. I can't wait to spend my final year of college going to shows and having fun, especially since now my time management is much better than in years past. To my fellow autistic music fans I have this to say: Try it at least once. Please. Especially if you're younger than me. I don't want you to have the regrets I have. Get good earplugs, go with a friend or family member, and have an emergency plan in case the music is too much. Even if it's a disaster, at least you won't spend years wondering what could have been.

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