Bulwer-Lytton Fiction

So Wednesday in my Short Story class, my professor had us write some Bulwer-Lytton style fiction. For those of you who don't know, the goal with this is basically to write as poorly as humanly possible. I was proud and at the same time ashamed of what I wrote, so I figured I would put my prompts here for the world to see:






Romance


Even years into their marriage, Ronald was smitten by Maria. She was the zig to his zag, the “ah” to his “choo,” the Pepto Bismol to his diarrhea, the bullet to his brain if his brain was JFK’s, the flies to his horse dung. Each morning, he tenderly kissed his heaping pile of equine feces before setting off to work at the Maserati factory on the Amalfi Coast where the employees ate meatballs soaked in marinara sauce during breaks and left at night when the moon hit their eyes like big pizza pies that’s Amore did I mention this takes place in Italy? That’s romantic right? Italy. Italian things. Milan. Pasta. Fascism. Fabio. Italy. Romance novel. Give me my money, middle aged and sexually frustrated white women.






Adventure


It was a sunny, peaceful, and therefore depressing Tuesday morning when Trent set off from his home to search in the woods for his father. Or was it Wednesday? Actually, it might have been Monday. No, it was Tuesday because I remember I stopped to grab a donut for breakfast that morning and that bitch Irene was behind the register again. I have no idea what crawled up her ass, but my God does that woman have an attitude. I’m actually getting hungry again, I think I’ll go to Zuppardi’s for pizza on the way home. Wait, I’m getting off track. Trent died. He got mauled to death by a bear.






Fantasy and Horror


The Orc king sent three orc assassins, Blorp, Skrezzan, and a third whose name was literally just a high-pitched screaming noise, to eliminate the local carpenter after he called the king a “Dorc” online during a particularly heated match of Team Fortress 2. No one would help the carpenter. He was widely disliked due to his rude personality and the fact that his Facebook page was a treasure trove of disturbing comics and strange drawings of anthropomorphic animals in Waffen SS uniforms.






Sci-Fi


Vincent knew he had a job to do, but that didn’t diminish his disappointment in the selection provided by Space Netflix on the Interplanetary Space Station. One could only watch Lost in Space, Space Raiders, Space Jam, and Spaceballs so many times. Bored of the limited entertainment provided, Vincent stared out his cabin window into the void of nothing. I can’t set the scene because there is nothing there. He’s in space.






Crime/Detective

The first responder to a murder scene at the local gas station was Officer Jerry. Jerry was a sad, sad man who never amounted to much in life. How could he with his name? What kind of name is Jerry? The name deprived him of his childhood, as when he was born, he already had the body and mind of a 35-year-old man, as is the norm with Jerrys. Seriously, have you ever met a child named Jerry? No, of course you haven’t. That’s because they don’t exist. Jerry walked around the crime scene with his camera and took pictures of points of interest, touching and rearranging objects in the scene without gloves as he did so. The investigators couldn’t process the evidence as it was all contaminated and the perpetrator was never found, all thanks to Jerry. Fuck you, Jerry.